First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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