yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
