Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
