I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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