I wish life had little blips of pornography
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
