Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
