Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
