the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
