So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
