update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
