Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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