broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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