We named our party play list daddy issues
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was not drunk enough for that final.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
