I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
