he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So many bounce houses so little time
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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