youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
