You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
