I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
