he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
