I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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