This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
