I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
