Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
