dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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