I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
