i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I fill condoms, not promises.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
