Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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