God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
