Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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