nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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