youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
