I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Soap is not a condiment
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
