you guys were way drunker than both of me
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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