i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
