Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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