I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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