Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
