between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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