Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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