I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
