Moan for me like Helen Keller
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
