If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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