he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Randomize
