Duck Duck Cougar?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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