I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Two words: nipple clamps
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