mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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