My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
