where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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