Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
