I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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