I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
